When It All Began

"Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence— whether much that is glorious— whether all that is profound— does not spring from disease of thought— from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect."

- Edgar Allen Poe

My name is Josh, I'm 26, and up until earlier this year, I was lost in the darkness that was once my mind. Years ago, I had it pretty good. I was in love, engaged, and had a fullfilling job as a medic in an ER. Life was grand. I had friends that cared for me and a woman who I was going to marry and one day have a family with. Then, out of nowhere, this world I loved started to crumble before my eyes. In the blink of eye, it happened. I had a total breakdown. My mind was gone and everything around me hurt me. I was not in control anymore, I was a prisoner in my own mind, while this darkness started to take over. I kept it to myself in the hopes that it would pass and life would get back to normal. I was wrong. The madness i was experiencing was out of this world. It is something I would not wish on my worst enemy.

This first thing I lost was my girl. I broke up with her. In my mind I was a sinking ship, swirling around, and about to capsize. If I went down in flames I did not want her a part of it. At the time, it seemed like the best idea. I know now, looking back, it was the worst. I should have asked her to help me get thru it. But that last thing madness wants is company.

The next thing I lost was my job. The dark blanket that is madness had covered my eyes to the job I loved most. I had the greatest job. I was able to help people and make a difference in there lives. But, as time went on, I stopped caring, I stopped wanting to help others. I kept asking myself, "How can you possibly help others, when you can help yourself." So, not being able to take it, I started calling in. I give my boss credit. She gave me more chances then most, but in the end, she let me go. I miss that ER more then ever.

Last I started to alienate my friends. Never calling them, never seeing them. It's not that I didn't want to, I just knew I would have nothing to say and that the person they were seeing was not the same person they once knew. Everything I had worked so hard to get, was now gone.

3 years of my life........gone. Spending my time alone with the demons of sadness, madness, death. Never once did I have a day free from the thoughts of death. Waking everyday in my own personal hell on Earth and hoping for a sweet release. It was a constant battle just stay alive. Telling myself that this hell would not be permanent. 3 years of my life, gone.