Sometimes the Hardest Decisions are the Best Decisions

After a very up and down, mentally frustrating month, I have decided to return to seeing a doctor and go back on medication. I had always hoped that I could rise and over come these problems. I wasn't able to in the past and broke down. I confided in a close friend and ER doctor that I needed help. He was able to make some phone calls that night and gave me the name of the best doctor in the area. I saw him a handful of times, was able to talk, and had just started on a medication regiment. Sadly, I had to stop seeing him after I was let go from my ER job. It also didn't help that he was not covered by my then health plan. These doctors are freaking expensive when they are not at the hospitals that your insurance wants.

Anyway, I made the call today to a doctor that was recommended by my assistant manager from Children's. When I interviewed with them last year, I was open about my past struggles. She had said that if I ever needed anything, just to ask. A few weeks ago, I did. I went to her and said that my mind and emotions were on a roller coaster, some days good, some not so much. I've been grateful that over the years, and presently, that my problems have never surfaced at work. This always seems to hit them out of left field. "Your such a nice guy, your always smiling and polite, I would have never guessed" is what they say.

Sorry to be so random and out of typical formation, my English teacher would have a fit with this entry. Anyway, of course it's a Sunday and had to leave a message. Which means I won't here back from them till Monday at the earliest. But it's a step in the right mental direction. My mind IS better than what it was. It is awake and kicking. I just don't want to return to life where darkness is all that my mind see's and thinks. I love that my mind is good, but I want it to be better.

I love you guys. And to my friends, sorry if I have been out of place as of late and not Josh. You guys keep me going and I am grateful that you are in my life.

- Josh Leadbetter

Cerebellum Bellums

"You don't have to control your thoughts;

you just have to stop letting them control you."

- Dan Millman

It was April of this year. I was at my computer when I started to get a terrible headache. I was unbearable. I had to stop what I was doing and just try to relax. It only lasted for a few minutes but it felt like a few years. When it was all said and down, I felt different. A calm I had not felt in years was upon me. The darkness wasn't so dark. The light that had for the last few years never shown on me, was. The feeling was intense. My mind was starting to come back to me. And then memories started to return. Losing the love of the my life, losing my future children. I broke down and started to cry. I couldn't believe what had happened to me.
Why had this happened to me? Why was I the one to lose everything?

Mental illness is just that, an illness. It doesn't single out a particular person or have any commonality at its discretion. All I knew, was I was free. Maybe not forever, but for the moment. I called my lost love to tell her the news. Even though we had still remained friends during this dark time, it had not been the same. I just didn't know how to act around her. But, she stayed in my life, unaware of my demons, and for that I will always be grateful. Deep down, she kept me alive.

After I had talked to her, I started to think about this new found freedom. How did this happen? What made that moment the moment everything got better? Like the illness, I will just never now. I think in my mind a civil war had been waged. Two sides, sanity and insanity, had been fighting since day one. Thankfully, sanity won the battle, if not the war.

Thus begins a new era for me, Josh is back...and changes have been in the making. I've got my sunscreen, so lets enjoy this light.

So what do you say.....lets try and have some fun :)

When It All Began

"Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence— whether much that is glorious— whether all that is profound— does not spring from disease of thought— from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect."

- Edgar Allen Poe

My name is Josh, I'm 26, and up until earlier this year, I was lost in the darkness that was once my mind. Years ago, I had it pretty good. I was in love, engaged, and had a fullfilling job as a medic in an ER. Life was grand. I had friends that cared for me and a woman who I was going to marry and one day have a family with. Then, out of nowhere, this world I loved started to crumble before my eyes. In the blink of eye, it happened. I had a total breakdown. My mind was gone and everything around me hurt me. I was not in control anymore, I was a prisoner in my own mind, while this darkness started to take over. I kept it to myself in the hopes that it would pass and life would get back to normal. I was wrong. The madness i was experiencing was out of this world. It is something I would not wish on my worst enemy.

This first thing I lost was my girl. I broke up with her. In my mind I was a sinking ship, swirling around, and about to capsize. If I went down in flames I did not want her a part of it. At the time, it seemed like the best idea. I know now, looking back, it was the worst. I should have asked her to help me get thru it. But that last thing madness wants is company.

The next thing I lost was my job. The dark blanket that is madness had covered my eyes to the job I loved most. I had the greatest job. I was able to help people and make a difference in there lives. But, as time went on, I stopped caring, I stopped wanting to help others. I kept asking myself, "How can you possibly help others, when you can help yourself." So, not being able to take it, I started calling in. I give my boss credit. She gave me more chances then most, but in the end, she let me go. I miss that ER more then ever.

Last I started to alienate my friends. Never calling them, never seeing them. It's not that I didn't want to, I just knew I would have nothing to say and that the person they were seeing was not the same person they once knew. Everything I had worked so hard to get, was now gone.

3 years of my life........gone. Spending my time alone with the demons of sadness, madness, death. Never once did I have a day free from the thoughts of death. Waking everyday in my own personal hell on Earth and hoping for a sweet release. It was a constant battle just stay alive. Telling myself that this hell would not be permanent. 3 years of my life, gone.