Sometimes the Hardest Decisions are the Best Decisions

After a very up and down, mentally frustrating month, I have decided to return to seeing a doctor and go back on medication. I had always hoped that I could rise and over come these problems. I wasn't able to in the past and broke down. I confided in a close friend and ER doctor that I needed help. He was able to make some phone calls that night and gave me the name of the best doctor in the area. I saw him a handful of times, was able to talk, and had just started on a medication regiment. Sadly, I had to stop seeing him after I was let go from my ER job. It also didn't help that he was not covered by my then health plan. These doctors are freaking expensive when they are not at the hospitals that your insurance wants.

Anyway, I made the call today to a doctor that was recommended by my assistant manager from Children's. When I interviewed with them last year, I was open about my past struggles. She had said that if I ever needed anything, just to ask. A few weeks ago, I did. I went to her and said that my mind and emotions were on a roller coaster, some days good, some not so much. I've been grateful that over the years, and presently, that my problems have never surfaced at work. This always seems to hit them out of left field. "Your such a nice guy, your always smiling and polite, I would have never guessed" is what they say.

Sorry to be so random and out of typical formation, my English teacher would have a fit with this entry. Anyway, of course it's a Sunday and had to leave a message. Which means I won't here back from them till Monday at the earliest. But it's a step in the right mental direction. My mind IS better than what it was. It is awake and kicking. I just don't want to return to life where darkness is all that my mind see's and thinks. I love that my mind is good, but I want it to be better.

I love you guys. And to my friends, sorry if I have been out of place as of late and not Josh. You guys keep me going and I am grateful that you are in my life.

- Josh Leadbetter