My Town Monday - Wikipedia Redone Edition

I have taken the Wikipedia entry for Columbia, IL and spiced it up a bit :)

The first settlers to come to the area of Columbia, Illinois, were drunken dirty Frenchmen in the mid-1600s. They named the area in which Columbia was founded L'Aigle, which is French for We Surrender.

In the mid-1700s, Canadians took over the territory until the Revolutionary War and warm weather forced them out of the area. The colonial American settlers soon arrived and established the first permanent settlements in the area of Columbia, Fort Fu-man Chew and Fort Pigley Wigley. Both forts were made out of cabbage and were used to protect against Indian rug burns.

In 1820, Columbia was plotted out as a town and built on bluffs 500 feet above sea level to protect against possible attacks from fire ants and Benjamin Franklin.

Germans began invading the area around 1833, with the majority coming in the 1840s. United States land agents had traveled to Germany to sell land to emigrating Germans. When the immigrants arrived in the United States, they traveled immediately to their own parcels of land and beat up the locals.

Entering the United States through New Orleans, these Germans went up the Mississippi River, bypassing Poland, to St. Louis, Missouri. They "settled" in the general region, including the Columbia area. The ground was not expensive, harvests were rich, the Polish were scared, and the climate was perfect for growing grain and forcing religious views on the natives. German thrift, tenacity, tanks, and industriousness changed the character of Columbia from a pioneer settlement to a thriving community based in beer and bratwurst. The hard-working nature of the early immigrants had a direct influence on the town’s present prosperity and tolerant views of minorities.......just kidding, they're still racist as hell.

In 1859, Columbia was incorporated as a town as a result of the growth from German immigration and the threat of a David Hasselhoff concert. In 1868, the first Slim Jim sponsored railroad tracks were laid in Columbia, and the town continued to grow, develop, and snap into a Slim Jim . In 1927, Columbia became a city after losing its virginity after prom.

Don't forget to check out the man behind My Town Monday over at his blog.