Guns Don't Kill People, Ferrets Do - Part I

"At a formal dinner party, the person

nearest death should always be

seated closest to the bathroom."

- George Carlin

One of my hero's, comedian George Carlin, passed away a few weeks. He was 71 and died from heart failure. Death makes you think of someones life and what they have accomplished. Death, also, makes you think about how that person died. We as humans, have it our DNA that we MUST know how someone died. Has anyone ever told you that someone died, and the first thought that crossed your mind was not "so how did they die?" Heart failure, heart attacks, old age, murder, and cancer are usually the top reasons behind ones passing. But what of the unusual? You rarely hear about these as they are uncommon and most families would keep these private. So, I have compiled a list of the more unusual ways for one to lose the war on breathing.

So here you go, death by......

Vanilla Icing

The loss of life due to prolonged periods of listening to Vanilla Ice. The body simple shuts down and a patch of hair on the victims head turns blond.

Kermitis Pigis Constinus Annoyus

Death by physical exhaustion from years of trying to avoid yet please a large overbearing woman. The exhaustion is so extreme it causes the skin pigment to turn green and

the man is reduced to that of a simple swamp frog.

Free Birding

Being pecked to death in a phone booth by birds. Usually happens after being incited by the phrase, "Can you hear me now?"

The Mining Ferret

This one is too disgusting to write down. All I can say is it involves a drunken ferret, a sleeping man, a kilt, and an oven ready chicken.

Butter Withdrawal

Death after one substitutes the real butter in their diet with butter buds. I mean common, butter should not be in a powder form!

Bear Grylls

Only happens when camping with Bear Grylls. When stranded, Bear will kill you with his French Legion knife, skin you, and then gut you to make you his shelter for the night. He will then use your skin to make a small amphibious vehicle to escape and might also use your feet in the event he has to swim and needs flippers.

TO BE CONTINUED