Real* Stories Part 1 - The Introductions

THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS REAL*. ONLY THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, THE CHILDREN, AND THE DONKEY.

The year was 2003 and my friends had just recruited me into there gang, The Finger Painters. True, we weren't well respected or feared, but we were a huge hit with the "special" kids, my mom, and Wilbur the town donkey. We would spend our days harassing stop lights, threatening the locals with paper cuts, and throwing stale food at the drunken Amish. At night we would watch Pretender and tell ghost stories over a flaming tire.

The leader was Dan "the Fred" Savage. He had been raised in Europe, IL and had a penchant for skipping when running. At an early age he fell in love with the mother from the Wonder Years. Years later, when she rejected his affection, he began a downward spiral into crime, tom foolery, and knitting.

Next in command, was the love of his life, Kelly "Snake Eyes" Hasselhoff. She had been a dancer in the Ballet before being smitten by Dan. And once the rash cleared up, it was all love and clean sailing. She was The Jokers Harley Quinn, The Bonnie to his Clyde, and the Nancy to his Ronald Reagan.

Our weapons expert was Brad "I Hate Gravy" Sanchez. At the age of 14 he had lost his virginity to a three bean casserole....and was never the same. He loved The Lord of the Dance, the feel of wet chocolate, and had vowed to one day kill Captain Kangaroo.

Our eye candy and muscle, was Lauren "Skittles Rule" Goldstein. She had dropped out of high school after an incident with the principal, an oven ready chicken, and a mixed tape of Ace of Base. The video was confiscated but can still be seen on YouTube, just search for Disappearing Chicken, Surprised Man, She Did Not Just Do That.

And I was the brains, Josh "I'll Take a Pint" McDomination. I was in the gang because I was a rebel, a hell raiser, and because the fuzz had taken my library card. Curse you pigs as I will never know what became of Dick and Jane and their infernal red ball!

However all was not well, as we were at war with our rival gang, The Popsicle Express.

But that is a story for another blog,

Real* Stories Part 2 - The Painted Popsicle Wars

*Complete Fabrication and/or Total Bull***t