Real* Stories Part 4 - The End of the 4 Minute War

THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS REAL*. ONLY THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO MAKE THIS SLIGHTLY MORE FUNNY.

PREVIOUSLY ON REAL* STORIES

And when I saw Lauren pull out the Taffy, I knew this rumble was on. She had a ritual with her fights; first she'd eat some Taffy, then put on her Drew Carey glasses, and last, she'd turn on her Rick Astley Beat Down Mix on her IPod. When we heard "Never Gonna Give You Up" blaring from her headset, we knew something else, The Popsicle Express had no chance.

Lauren made a b-line for Pat O'Cake. Not really to single him out, but to save him from Brad. He had cornered Pat and was doing his one man show of South Pacific. Pat, who was crying and scared, was grateful to see Lauren. He would rather scrap with her rather than sit through another minute of Brad's show. Pat sadly didn't have a chance as once Lauren had her taffy, she was unstoppable. She made him say uncle, then pinkie swear that he would go home and think about what he'd done. He continued crying, and then left.

Kelly and Dan had teamed up to take on Jack and Red. They were duking it out in the Lesbian Pizzeria and Bait Shop apply named Lure. Pizza was flying, worms were trampled, and the ladies in the Pizzeria seemed pretty excited. And with each of their ladies on there shoulders, an epic chicken fight began......and ended quickly. Sadly, due to Big Jacks small size, they were easily defeated. Dan and Kelly embraced knowing that their skills at chicken fighting while inside a Lesbian Pizzeria and Bait Shop, was out of this world.

I was trading jabs back and forth with Brian O'Nasty. First I showed him some old family pictures, which dazed him. Then he showed me some Lolcats from his cell phone, it almost knocked me down. But I was finally able to knock him out with a low blow of nude pictures of his girlfriend. She was partially dressed as Barney being whipped with a Halibut as she watched Harry Potter; it was just too much for him.

As we looked over the battle field, through the midgets, the night crawlers, and as Brad continued to sing, we marveled in our victory. We knew we were the kings of South East Chicago. And as we left, Brad was finishing South Pacific and moving on to Sunset Boulevard.

We smiled and knew everything was gonna be OK.

THE END......for this war anyway.

*Complete Fabrication and/or Total Bull***t

Real Stories Part 3 - The Commercial^ Interruption

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Real* Stories Part 2 - The Painted Popsicle Wars

THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS REAL*. ONLY THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, THE CHILDREN, AND THE BAKERS MAN.

I remember when our great War started, as if it was yesterday. It was a sunny Friday around noon.........actually I think it was a cloudy Tuesday after dinner time. Now that I think about it, it was a rainy Thursday before Full House came on. Either way, that day shall live in infamy in the streets of South East Chicago.

We had just finished watching Full House and were debating who would win in a cage fight, Jesse, Joey, or Danny. Just as we added the tag team of the Olsen Twins, we ran into the Popsicle Express. Their leader, Big Jake Heights, was a midget and lawyer from Long Island. Then there was his gal and next in command, Shorty "Red" McLegs. She was a former WBA All-Star and hand model. The rest of the gang consisted Brian "Big O" Nasty, a former underwear inspector, and Pat O'Cake, the bakers man and 1999 Beat Boxing Champ.

When we ran into them, things got real quiet. Like the kind quiet when someone farts in church or when a clown dies. We had hoped to just pass them and that be it as the last rumble we had resulted in a lot of hurt feelings.

It all started when Dan said "Hey" to Big Jack. That sent him into a tiny rage and he started to kick Dan in the shin over and over again. Kelly immediately came to his aid and punted Jake into an all Lesbian Pizzeria and Bait Shop. Brad went after Brian as he had always hated underwear inspectors. I went after Mr. O'Cake, as we had heat from him stealing my Beat Boxing crown in '99. And when I saw Lauren pull out the taffy, I knew this rumble was on.

And then......................things got weird.

Stay tuned for Real* Stories Part 3 - War and Taffy

*Complete Fabrication and/or Total Bull***t

Real* Stories Part 1 - The Introductions

THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS REAL*. ONLY THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, THE CHILDREN, AND THE DONKEY.

The year was 2003 and my friends had just recruited me into there gang, The Finger Painters. True, we weren't well respected or feared, but we were a huge hit with the "special" kids, my mom, and Wilbur the town donkey. We would spend our days harassing stop lights, threatening the locals with paper cuts, and throwing stale food at the drunken Amish. At night we would watch Pretender and tell ghost stories over a flaming tire.

The leader was Dan "the Fred" Savage. He had been raised in Europe, IL and had a penchant for skipping when running. At an early age he fell in love with the mother from the Wonder Years. Years later, when she rejected his affection, he began a downward spiral into crime, tom foolery, and knitting.

Next in command, was the love of his life, Kelly "Snake Eyes" Hasselhoff. She had been a dancer in the Ballet before being smitten by Dan. And once the rash cleared up, it was all love and clean sailing. She was The Jokers Harley Quinn, The Bonnie to his Clyde, and the Nancy to his Ronald Reagan.

Our weapons expert was Brad "I Hate Gravy" Sanchez. At the age of 14 he had lost his virginity to a three bean casserole....and was never the same. He loved The Lord of the Dance, the feel of wet chocolate, and had vowed to one day kill Captain Kangaroo.

Our eye candy and muscle, was Lauren "Skittles Rule" Goldstein. She had dropped out of high school after an incident with the principal, an oven ready chicken, and a mixed tape of Ace of Base. The video was confiscated but can still be seen on YouTube, just search for Disappearing Chicken, Surprised Man, She Did Not Just Do That.

And I was the brains, Josh "I'll Take a Pint" McDomination. I was in the gang because I was a rebel, a hell raiser, and because the fuzz had taken my library card. Curse you pigs as I will never know what became of Dick and Jane and their infernal red ball!

However all was not well, as we were at war with our rival gang, The Popsicle Express.

But that is a story for another blog,

Real* Stories Part 2 - The Painted Popsicle Wars

*Complete Fabrication and/or Total Bull***t